We are very similar, (no insult intended). I'm self taught and the Navy never used Xrefs, so my first job with a real Eng firm was OJT.
Think the first thing learned was to use title blocks as Xrefs. Saves allot of time on 50/100 sheets when a city Engineer doesn't like a word in the title.
As much as poss Xref at 0,0,0 and 1:1, (not poss when Xref'ing Eng dwg's to Arch dwgs, but 0,0 and 1:1 will save alot of frustration if a Xref is lost and import print setups)
Xref layers are like any other layers. The layer on/off, LT or color can be changed.
Sometimes after saving changes to a Xref, then reloading in the sheet dwg the changes still do not show (why I don't know). There have been times I've had to close each dwg then re open for the changes in the Xref to show, not often though.
I'll xref sheet dwgs to a site plan and force a dark color just for ref (that will never print) and ensure all the site sheets match the detailed sheets.
Xrefs are great tool and well worth the time to learn. I don't know of a book or tutorial, so ask away here! and good luck