This is the long-standing problem that the new "Unreconciled Layers" feature is supposed to "fix".
Of course, it doesn't really fix the problem, just adds another tool that almost does what you want. The only way I know of is to do like Kate says, and freeze (or turn off) the new layers in your source drawing. Then open up the drawings you KNOW you want to see the new layers in, and turn the layers on in those drawings.
The first time you open a drawing that contains an XREF, all new layers get the same settings as in the source drawing. So if you keep all that new linework frozen in your source drawing, it will default to frozen in all drawings that XREF it.
Still probably not an ideal solution, since you must keep new linework frozen in your source drawing, but it sort-of works.